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Mitch Hedberg - Teeth Lyrics

2 s Teeth LyricsI was getting my teeth whitened, but then I said, "Fuck that, let's get a tan instead." I got some tartar control toothpaste. I still got tartar, but that's just under control. If the tartar gets outta line, I'm like "C'mon man, you know the deal. Fall in, you crazy-ass tartar!" I got so much tartar, I don't have to dip my fish sticks in shit! That's- that's actually kinda gross, you know. After that joke, I always clarify that I'm just joking. I don't know how much tartar I actually have. I believe it's the average amount. If we all did a tartar test right now, my name would be right in the fuckin' middle.

I would like to go fishing and catch a fish stick, that would be convenient. I can easily get a job with Mrs. Paul's. "Yeah, just put me in a boat with some empty boats. And I will return them to the freezer section of your neighborhood grocery store." You know that there's a fishing show on TV, they catch the fish but they let it go. They don't wanna eat the fish, but they do wanna make it late for something. "Where were you?" "I got caught!" "Bullshit, let me see the inside of your lip."

Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as shit. You would not want to submerge your head, nothing but fish going "Ahhhh fuck! I thought I looked like that rock!"