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Mitch Hedberg - Three Easy Payments Lyrics

3 s Three Easy Payments LyricsThere's a commercial on late night TV for this thing you attach to a garden hose. It says "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product." Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. "I know you need water, but I'm gonna make you hard to reach. I will throw water at you. Hopefully they will invent a product before you shrivel and die. Think like a cactus."

"So you can have this product for four easy payments of 19.95."
I would like to have a product that was available for three easy payments, and one fucking complicated payment. "We could tell you which payment it is but one of of these payments is gonna be a bitch. The mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamp will be in the wrong denomination. Good luck fucker! The last payment must be made in wampum."

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same. "What's a giraffe taste like?" "A hippopotamus! I had 'em back to back." I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat, goddammit anyway!

See I write jokes for a living, man. You know I stay in my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.

I walked by a dry cleaner at 3am, the sign says "Sorry, we're closed." You don't have to be sorry, it's 3am and you're a dry cleaner! It would be ridiculous for me to expect it to be open. I'm not gonna walk in at 10am and say "Hey I walked by at 3, you guys were closed. Somebody owes me an apology." This jacket would be halfway done!